[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Thursday
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
first you must answer his riddles
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP