[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
😅😅😅
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
For those that worship cheese..
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”