I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
describing stardew valley
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol