dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.