If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.