Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
never ask a starfish for directions
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me