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My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Unexpected Judgment
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
May your day taste like creamy soup.