[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
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I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
japanese corn
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open