There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
when you order from DoorDastardly
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]