Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.