I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
You Might Also Like
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”