If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens