Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You Might Also Like
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”