Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
12. I think about this all the damn time
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.