*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?