Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks