My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
You Might Also Like
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead