I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.