“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater