Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!