If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.