I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.