At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
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If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
🔦🌙👣
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :