First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Beauty and the Beast
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
new career option?