Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
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I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—