Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
consequences, the bane of my existence
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I think they could have phrased this better
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Krampus.