Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
ready to be harvested
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.