“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Wait for it
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.