[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why