When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me trying to “trust the process”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.