I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
finally
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.