please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
s
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another