The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Kids: Stay in school.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael