13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
You Might Also Like
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
uh oh
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
checking out some reviews of my local library
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
*seductively eats two tums*
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.