Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The funk soul brother
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.