me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17