“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
You Might Also Like
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?