In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
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imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.