I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance