Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
You Might Also Like
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.