Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
May never get over this
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM