Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
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For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Fiction has to make sense.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
accurate
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”