Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I cannot call her anything else now
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government