No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
3% human
97% stress
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..