Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Snapes on a plane.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.