Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
had to make it