Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.