my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
do what now??
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.