[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You Might Also Like
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.