Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
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No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
this is the best day of my life
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent